Miss Elaineous Thoughts

Strange dreams

2009-02-26T19:35:12Z

two night in a row I've beenhaving strange dreams.

it started at some sort of gathering. It was for some obscure religious group that had recently been founded. Some slightly twisted version of christianity. I was there because my Granny and my two aunts were both there and I'd come along for the ride. there was a group of maybe thirty people listening to the guy, but he talked as if there were thousands of people listening. And he wasn't a very good public speaker. Everyone was standing in the shade of a huge house that parts of it were very traditional country manor house, and others were very gothic. The speaker was standing under a stone arch of one of the gothic parts of the house.

It turns out that the person who had founded their strange little branch had died a little while ago. And just recently they discovered he'd killed himself. So rather than disbanding the followers becuase their leader was in hell for killing himself, they decided to decree that suicide was ok, as long as you did it on the same "sacred" mountain that their leader had. I wasn't paying very close attention after that becuase I didn't follow their religion, but my aunt Jo suddenly leaned in and told me "I think I'm going to tell them that I want to die on the mountain." I was startled and alarmed by this declaration before she said "No, no, I'm not going to actually kill myself. But if you tell them that they pay for you to take the trip and you can always change your mind about dying."

The next part is a little fuzzy. There was a woman there in a green dress. I could tell from looking at her that there was something not quite right about her, but I'm not sure what. I think she was arguing with the speaker person about something. I think about how and where the leader dude had died.glass

Then the dream went into a sort of interlude. It was like a poorly done, 80s horror film, where during the special effects you could see the blue screen. It took place on one of the gothic stone staircases in the house. The man that had been given the speech was being cornered by the woman in the green dress. But now she looked dead, not in a real way but like in a blue makeup sort of way. But i know in the dream she was supposed to be dead. I think that's what was wrong with her earlier but she didn't look dead then. as she cornered the guy two more ghost people appeared, and they closed in on the guy. I don't think I saw him for the rest of the dream.

Then I was back to myself. My family and I were just kind of wandering aroung the grounds to the house. It was some kind of old mansion and had acres of land around it. My Aunt Carol and I were walking with her granddaughter Katie. we went to this luncheon thing that was being held in like a greenhouse. I honestly don't remember there actually being food at the luncheon, everyone was drinking red wine. I wanted some, but there weren't any more glasses. They told me that there were wine glasses all over the place back at the house and to go find myself one. i finally did and I didn't even need to go in the house, there were some on a stone wall under a walkway against the house. So I picked out a glass that I liked and went back to the greenhouse. I poured mself some wine and drank half the glass when I suddenly realized that I'd meant to get it for the deacon guy that was presiding over the lunch since the guy in charge wasn't around anymore. So I set the glass down in front, of him, apologized for drinking half of it, then filled it back up for him.

After that I know there's a big gap in my memory of the dream. I know I went out and played with my dog for a while. I don't think it was actually Ginny in the dream, but whatever dog it was was mine.

Later in the dream I was inside the house looking out a window into a little courtyard entrance. My mom had come there too and decided to plant a garden, and I was watching pretty birds that were coming to land on vines she'd planted that climbed up the window. out in the yard there was this enormous bud that looked vaguely like something from jumangi, and these 12 foot long plants that looked like beetles. The leaves made up the wings folded down their back. I kept expecting them to fly off. As I was watching the birds, one of the petals on the bud opened to reveal a hollow interior that was crawling with strange looking bugs.

It was shortly after that that I woke up. strange, strange dream.

well that's just ionic

2008-11-03T18:58:20Z

i looked at my lj profile for the first time in a couple years today. apparently the last time i changed it was right after i moved to PA. I don't think I'm quite as angsty now as I was then, at least not usually. Then I kept expecting everyone to be rushing up to visit me. I don't really expect anyone to come out to CA at least not for a long time. Except for maybe my sister who has already purchased her ticket...

This time I feel like I abandoned everthing rather than it all abandoning me. In other words if I don't like it, it's my own damn fault. It's a good thing I'm starting to learn to be happy out here then.

And I edited my profile so I don't sound so depressed and whiny anymore.

It's official

2008-11-01T17:03:21Z

I am a basket case and a drama queen. I alternately bitch and moan because i just want all these guys to just leave me alone, and then get all upset when I'm not getting any attention.

I wish I could make up my mind so that I could quit feeling like shit. Or at least just quit PMSing and feeling like shit anyway.

And the really sad thing is that this is the earliest I've been awake in several weeks and it's only because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. After only being asleep a little over three hours.

My dream last night...

2008-10-30T18:00:49Z

I dreamed last night that i was getting married. To a woman. And i was getting cold feet and didn't show up until an hour and a half late, but everyone was still there and waiting and just happy that i'd finally come. I knew all along who i was getting married to, but i didn't really realize it until i was face to face with her. And then in the dream I asked myself "Wait, i'm not a lesbian am I?" and then i thought "No but I really want to marry this person and spend the rest of my life with her." And she kept acting like the bride, so I felt like I should have been the grrom, but we were both the bride. I don't even know who it was. And all of my family was there and nobody seemed shocked or surprised. Everyone was behaving petty much the way you'd expect them to at a wedding.

I think i woke up before we got to the "I do"s. Both of our dresses were really pretty though :P. Maybe I was just hearing my roommate and her girlfriend fooling aroung again and my subconcious was providing commentary. Like that other lesbian dream i had a while ago.

It was still a really weird dream.

suns_shadow @ 2008-10-23T00:29:00

2008-10-23T07:43:57Z

I have the strange urge to do something to change my appearance. Like dye my hair or get a tattoo. and as impulsive as the urge is, i know that i wouldn't be able to make up my mind on exactly what i'd want it to be. Would I rather go redhead, or a dark red-brown? Would I want a dragon or something less cliche? I actually think that it's more likely for me to get a tattoo that dye my hair. I enjoy having pretty, healthy, blonde hair too much to risk butchering it like that. I might get it cut shorter if my sister hadn't already. Which is another reason why i couldn't be a redhead. Then we might look like we're related.

I'm too cautious to actully wind up doing something like that. Doesn't mean that I don't want to every so often.

if destny's kind, i've got the rest on my mind

2008-10-15T08:54:25Z

I have the strange and unexpected urge to update my livejournal. So here I am.

Maybe because I remember spending hours and hours ignoring how miserable I was years ago by typing all the insignifacant events of my life in here, and reading everyone else's. Perhaps I seek that same escape now.

But as much as the feeling in the pit of my stomach seems to want me to be depressed right now, I don't think I am. I think it's just been since those days that I've felt this out of my element. I'm doing well at school. I'm making friends. So I've labeled that twisted, miserable feeling as homesickness and dismissed it as nothing more and chosen to enjoy myself.

I somehow thought that things would be simpler when I moved to california. It would be just me and that's all I would have to worry about. Just me taking care of me. It's not really like that. I don't think that i've really simplified anything. But I'm moving my life in the direction that I want it to go in, so I still can't complain.

I pack my case
I check my face
I look a little bit older
I look a little bit colder
with one deep breath
with one big step
i move a little bit closer
i move a little bit closer

for reasons unknown

i caught my stride
i flew it by
i know if destiny's kind
i've got rest on my mind

but my heart it don't beat
it don't beat the way it used to
and my eyes they don't see you no more
and my lips they don't kiss
they don't kiss they way they used to
and my eyes don't recognize you no more

for reasons unknown

suns_shadow @ 2008-10-04T04:06:00

2008-10-04T11:09:48Z

It is 4 am. there are people standing outside my window carrying on a conversation. I live in california where it never gets below 50 degreess. There is no insulation. If I was interested I could follow every word.

I am really tempted to open the window and tell the to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

San Francisco

2008-09-03T04:47:14Z

Here I am! in my dorm. my roommate is nice. the other one hasn't shown up yet.

Orientation went as expected; a complete waste of time. chitt chatted with some other animators but that's about it.

I turn 21 this friday. It promises to be... interesting. and not necessarily in a good way. I just need to get it in my head that I can allow myself to be selfish on my birthday and do what i want. and be pressured into doing what other people want to do for my birthday. It's my day right? I don't want to let anyone's plans or expectations get in the way of me enjoying myself.

we'll see how it goes. if worse comes to worst I'll buy myself a bottle of wine and treat myslef on my birthday.

I found a song

2008-08-05T22:14:55Z

Another dream that will never come true
just to compliment the sorrow
Another life that I've taken from you
a gift to add on to your pain and suffering
Another truth you can never believe
has crippled you completely
All the cries you're beginning to hear
trapped in you mind and the noise is deafening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything away

Another nightmare about to come true
will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
lost in time on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
live in the dark and the world is threatening

Let me enlighten you
This is the way I pray

Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard enough
take everything away

Return to me
Return to me
Return to me
Leave me no one
Return to me
turn to me
return to me
cast aside

you've made me turn away
Living just isn't hard enough
Burn me alive inside
Living my life's not hard enough
Take everything from me.

~Disturbed Prayer

suns_shadow @ 2008-07-03T16:17:00

2008-07-03T20:49:03Z

I have the urge to post a song that somehow sums up my life right now but can't seem to find one...

Things are changing quickly. My last day at Sweet Water is this Sunday. So if you were planning on coming in having me wait on you, you're sol. unless you come in any evening between now and then. or unless you want to tip me very well to do it on my time off :P

I move out of the town house on Tues. If you wanted to throw wild parties here then you're sol in that area too cuz we're outta here. I hate moving. especially because as I pack things I have to figure out what I'm taking with me to California and what is going in storage at my parents' and what I'm going to want to use between now and then... It's a pain in the ass. So packing is going slowly.

I was in a funk last week. I think I managed to get through it pretty well. It was one of those overwhelmed sort of funks. I've settled down pretty well and I'm just taking things one at a time. It will all be alright in the end.

I fly out to San Francisco the 25th of August. Mom wants to throw me a back to school party in their house in PA on the 23rd of August, though so far none of my friends can make it. We'll see how that goes.

I think I want to go for a jog this evening. I think I will do that. And then talk to people about going to see WALL-E. I know the future pixar animator hasn't even seen it yet. stupid job. It's almost over...

just f*cking beautiful

2008-04-04T06:06:02Z

why do I feel like everything is going to pieces? I feel like my whole life is completely falling apart and I'm left scrambling for fragments?

Like selling a totaled car for scrap metal. trying to make the most of a load of shit.

Here I come!

2008-03-19T16:10:08Z

Academy of Art University, starting fall '08. OMG I'm so excited! (really when have you ever seen me you OMG, I must be really excited)

For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about, I'm going back for my bachelors. I've applied a few places, but AAU was my first choice for various reasons, mostly because it's got a good animation program and is located in San Francisco, across the bay from a little studio in Emeryville that I wouldn't mind working for someday.

Elaine is going to San Francisco! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

wow, it's been a while

2008-03-09T19:03:28Z

so, I'm still alive...

Not much else has changed. I'm now waiting tables instead of hostessing at Sweet Water, so you're all welcome to come in and sit in my section as long as you tip well :P

I get my wisdom teeth out on tuesday. joy. my mom is coming down to drive me to the oral surgeon and then taking back to PA for a few days to get better. I'll probably be back on Friday night. if you ask really nice I might give you a drugged dial while I'm loopy on whatever drugs they give me so as to not be in agony. If I remember...

Today felt wonderful...

2007-08-13T23:38:06Z

I have not lef the house all day. It was nice to lounge about for hours on end and be bored. I was bored for the first time in months today and it was fantastic. You people who complain about being bored all the time don't know how lucky you are. :P

and btw...

2007-08-13T04:07:42Z

yay for it being the end of my week! that sound odd to most people on a Sunday night...

Even getting insurance is a bitch.

2007-08-13T04:06:33Z

Thus far I think from what I have heard and have been led to believe about prices of insurance from those around me, the insurance companies are trying to rip me off or the online quotes are way off. They want to charge me as a female with NO tickets or accidents driving a decade old POS Saturn SW as much or more than they charge Adam being a male with a ticket driving a muscle car. I am going to be calling some insurance companies tomorrow to find out why the hell it costs so much to insure my POS.

damned insurance companies.

suns_shadow @ 2007-08-08T01:01:00

2007-08-08T05:06:20Z

You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream?

Let me remind you
Light doesn't blind you at all
I just helps you see.

I like this.

2007-08-06T21:23:22Z

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia " (Charles Schultz)

Don't give me more reasons...

2007-08-06T15:21:17Z

At breakfast at Adam's house this morning:

Me: *muches happily away on coffee ice cream*
Jose: Did you hear about your cat? *cheerful*
Me: No, what about my cat?
Jose: *oh shit look*
Me: What?! Is she sick or something?
Jose: *cowers behind table*
Me: She didn't die did she?
Jose: *continues to cower*
Me: *finishes ice cream, begins crying and calls my parents*

My parents had to put my cat to sleep a couple days ago. They had tried calling me, but they didn't want to tell me while I was at work or on my way to work. Which since I have done nothing but work for the last few days, is why I hadn't heard yet. Dad told Anna who told Jose. She's not particularly broken up about it. She hasn't lived with the cat in five years and wasn't verly fond of her in the first place. So Anna's not particularly upset. I on the other hand actually care about poor old Saja. Jose, I'm not particularly happy with you in the first place at the moment. Throwing my cat's death cheerfully into a conversation when I didn't even know about it yet is not going to win you any points. If I did know, that's not how you present it into a conversation, and if I didn't know, you were not the person to tell me. Tactless asshole.

Saja, you may have been a grumpy old cat, but you will be very much missed and you were very much loved.

In loving memory of a bitchy kitty.

suns_shadow @ 2007-07-14T10:27:00

2007-07-14T14:38:50Z

Yay to being moved in! not necessarily unpacked, but moved in. And I'm working on the unpacking thing. The house is gradually coming together.

The landlord is coming by today to (finally) remove the other washer and dryer from our garge so we can actually park there. seeing as that parking around here is such a pain, this is a pretty bg deal. So I decided to try to straighten up the kitchen. I actually *gasp* found the counters more or less. I think we should make it a new rule that here shall be no more unpacking things onto the counter tops because it all doesn't get put away *growls*.

Well anyway, I'm letting my inner Virgo come out and do a lot of cleaning. It makes me feel accomplished to see it al clean anyway and I don't let her out as often as I should.

If anyone is ever wondering what to get me...

2007-07-03T15:17:44Z

Check out this site:

http://www.ballisticpublishing.com/books/

the only one that I already own is the d'Artiste Digital Paintin book...

and I wants ALL of them...
especially the characer modeling and elemental books.

*sigh* so many pretty books so little money.

Every time I take this quiz it's incredibly accurate...

2007-07-02T18:28:12Z

Elaine took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in ..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

wait... I'm alive!

2007-07-02T18:20:20Z

so yeah I haven't been on lj in a long long time.

For those who don't know I'm working as a hostess over at the Sweet Water Tavern in Merrifield, so come eat there sometime. Just be sure to call ahead because I am not yet to the point that I have enough influence to let you skip ahead of the wait.

ummm... working on some freelance stuff that is alternating between working like crazy and grinding to a halt as I wait for them to send me vital files/information. Still looking for a townhouse, though Robby has decided that this is a good opportunity to escape his parents' house.

I have Mondays and tuesdays off of work, so give me a call sometime and we'll get together.

It has been a little while

2007-05-07T20:43:18Z

OK, I don't even remember the last time I updated, so here's a quick recap of the last few months...

getting everything set for me to graduate was an absolute fiasco. I passed with a lot more wiggle room than a few other people, but still it was a fiasco.

I graduated on schedule on Marc h 31st. Mom decided that since the famiy reunion my aunt was trying to get together fell through to invite everyone to the graduation party. So the house was full of relatives that I barely know if at all and a few friends.

I made frequent trips down here for about two weeks until I'd secured a job as a hostess at Sweet Water Tavern over in Merrifield. I am working there now and renting out the guest bedroom at Cristen's until I get an apartment with my sister in another couple months.

And that's about all you've missed. If you want to hang out, my cell phone number hasn't changed. And if you don't have it, call Cristen's house and I'll get back to you.

blargh

2007-04-17T22:27:58Z

So I was supposed to go in for orientation today at Sweet Water. I get there a few minutes early despite horrible traffic. Well there were either a few things that I forgot or they forgot to mention or a combination of the two...

one, that I was supposed to wear the jeans I bought so they could make sure they're up to snuff and dark enough.

two, that I was supposed to come in this morning and fill out paper work.

So between those two things I'm going to come back on Thursday and start then instead of today. it is still a tad irritating, but this is life.